Leading Them Away From Suicide

*NOTE: I am not a Psychologist or a Counselor, instead I've survived my own war with Suicide for over 15 years.

Suicide is a Tragedy that is happening all over the world every day. Suicide is a child of fear, hate, despair and most importantly, the loss of feeling loved.

Suicide is an epidemic affecting all walks of life, from the very poor to the very rich. It affects all races, religions, nationalities; it literally crosses all boundaries and knows no discrimination. Suicide, no matter who is affected is heartbreaking. No matter who you are, if you struggle with wanting or needing to commit suicide, you are not alone, there are many people all over the world who can find you and help save you if only they could see your personal SIGNAL FIRE. We WILL search for the human being behind every S.O.S. If you live in the United States, the National Suicide Hotline is a good potential resource for anyone who needs help (1-800-273-8255).

Even though Suicide reaches everyone, not all groups are affected in quite the same way. Sometimes the causes are different, sometimes the behavior leading up to suicide might be different, sometimes the community response is different, sometimes even the number of people affected can be different within a community. That is why I and so many others concentrate so hard on Suicides affecting youth, children and young adults who are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender. We do not diminish the tragedy of any other person who feels so alone and desperate that suicide feels necessary or desirable, we reach out to them as much as we can too. All are welcome at the doors of the LGBT community.

If you are feeling like suicide is an option, how do you light your SIGNAL FIRE and ask for help?
There's no one right answer to that question unfortunately. I know from my personal fight to stay alive over the last 15+ years that sometimes talking about how you feel only makes things worse. What do you do when the people you've always thought you could trust suddenly don't seem to have your back anymore? How can you express feelings that you don't know the words for? How do you tell someone that the reason you're feeling this way is because you're gay or transgender (especially if you live in a culture that thinks any sexual alternative is ugly or evil)? How do you know who is safe to talk to and who isn't? What do you do if you can't talk about it all?

I can't give you answers that will work 100% of the time. I wish I could, but everyone's situation is going to be at least a little bit different. But one thing I can say with 100% certainty is that if you need help to keep yourself alive don't feel like you have to go to someone who you don't trust. Just because you are told you are supposed to trust someone doesn't mean that you actually do trust that person. Don't be afraid to say "No" to discussing your feelings and emotional well-being with someone who you don't feel comfortable with. Talking about what you feel, and why, can be a great tool to helping you heal and find help, but if you share you most personal details with someone you don't trust to have your back, talking can make you feel worse. For example, I spoke with one of my Church leaders as a teenager about what I was going through sexually and some of my suicidal feelings were included in our discussions. I didn't really trust him for various reasons but he was my Church leader so I felt I had to talk to him, and it backfired. All the progress I had made over the previous year was undone in the first week of talking with him about what I was going through. I had to start all over and my path has been much harder because I have never felt comfortable discussing personal issues with Church leaders or psychologists ever since. Eventually I learned a careful but helpful truth: Don't be afraid to say that you're not sure if you trust someone (or to say that you simply don't trust them). I was blessed to have a different Church leader several years later who sat down with me, I was new in that Congregation, and asked me how I was doing. I was hesitant to explain everything and answer a number of his questions especially relating to my sexuality and history with depression. Then he did something that no one had ever done for me before, he told me it was ok that I didn't trust him automatically. He told me that Trust has to be earned, and that since I had reasons to not trust he would just have to work a little harder to make sure I learned that I could truly trust him.

If you do not Trust someone, it is THEIR fault, NOT YOURS. If someone has given you reasons to not trust them, or other people like them, it is their responsibility to earn back your trust. You have done nothing wrong and you are not guilty for refusing to trust them.

Another thing I can promise almost 100% is that people don't usually understand subtle hints. I know I've often tried giving little clues in my behavior or body language that I was dealing with something that I didn't want to just "bring up on my own" but that I still wanted someone to reach out and help me. I always felt that if someone cared enough they would read my little clues and come find me and talk to me. Every time I tried that approach it failed, no one ever came knocking at my door unexpectedly wanting to talk to me about why I looked away from him instead of looking him in the eye when we last spoke. No one ever really asked me why I kept extra quiet some days or why I'd slip off alone from the group regularly, or why I would never sit at the group's tables but stand near the main food tables to eat at dances. I remember too that my posture would feel different when I was feeling particularly bad, like the inside of me was partially curled up in a ball even though I was sitting or standing normally. On days like that I always wondered why no one asked me what was wrong, I felt like no one cared because they didn't ask. Sometimes though, they did ask but I was too shy or uncomfortable to just blurt out much of anything about my feelings or pain and so they didn't press on or ask anything more. All of that hurt so much and made me feel worse. It wasn't until recently that I started to learn that if someone doesn't notice these or other little clues IT DOES NOT MEAN THEY DON'T CARE. Have you ever tried to speak English to someone who only speaks Spanish, or vice versa? Your subtle behavior and body language clues are an entirely different language that people who have not personally dealt with suicide probably won't know how to read. Please, don't fall into the trap of thinking you are especially alone when someone doesn't respond to your hints, instead try to imagine what life would be like if Google Translate was broken!

So if the subtle hints don't work, what can you do? If you're unable to talk and unable to hint are you just out of luck? I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU EVER OUT OF LUCK. There are always ways you can experiment with and try if you really want to stay alive. The trick is convincing yourself that you want or need to stay alive. There are two things you really will need to focus on, finding ways to reach out to others and finding tricks to work inside your own mind.

1. Reaching Out 
1.  Something I got in the habit of doing when I was in very serious trouble was to treat my suicidal tendencies as a normal physical illness. People understand phrases like "I don't feel so good" and often tend to respond with some level of kindness. They also understand physical pain better than mental pain. So if you're asked a simple question like "Hey, how are ya?" at work or at school you can safely and easily respond with a simple "Eh, I don't feel so good" and you don't have to justify what you mean. More often than not the person will assume you're ill in some way and be a little nicer. Let's think about what this habit does for a moment: 1. You've openly acknowledged that you are going through something painful, which is often one of the most difficult parts of trying to seek help. 2. You've likely caused some sort of kind or nice reaction from the person you spoke with, and when you're struggling with suicide kindness often feels so far away. 3. Even though you acknowledged that you don't feel well you've not spilled the beans on what is really troubling you, which may feel extremely daunting or even impossible to do. 4. You're still giving out hints that some kind soul may respond to and who might feel inspired to reach out to you, but this way (especially if you make a habit of treating your suicidal feelings or depression like you treat the flu) I think you have a higher chance of having your hints understood by someone else.
2. A mistake I often made over the years is that when I tried to reach out to someone I would trust I would choose one person and latch on to them for everything I needed and hoped for out of a friend and a saving angel. The problem is that one or two people are never strong enough to be that kind of saving angel. I always lost out in the end no matter who I went to or how much I trusted and loved them. Every time I lost someone I felt worse and inched closer to suicide again and again. Sure some people turn out to be mean or at least not as trustworthy as you thought they were but more often than not the person you choose to latch on to is simply not strong enough and literally can't do enough to help you with everything that you need. Over time I learned a different technique: I choose one trait each from a dozen or so people that can help me. I started trusting one person to smile at me every day, and that was all I asked for from him or her, while I trusted someone else to ask how I felt so I could say that I didn't feel well. I trusted someone else to be funny so I could have something to laugh at for a moment when I needed to. I trusted someone else for a hug when I needed one. Once I started dividing up what I needed among lots of different people the burden I felt inside started to feel a little less heavy every day. Sometimes I wouldn't even put my trust in specific people, sometimes I went to movies, music, tv shows or games for bits and pieces of what I needed. Staying alive got a lot easier once I learned to "micro-trust". You know how people often say to take things one step at a time? Trust and support work the same way. Another benefit to this is that when you only trust someone for one or two things you don't get hurt as much when someone doesn't live up to what you were looking for and needing.  
2.  Mental Tricks
1. There are a lot of mental tricks to consider, but they all only work if you decide or feel that staying alive is important. To be honest I'm not entirely sure what to do if I or someone else decided that staying alive wasn't a priority. I guess I benefited from an upbringing that taught me that suicide was morally wrong and religious unacceptable. I completely understand that those teachings will not benefit everyone, so if you as the reader has a friend struggling with suicide telling them how wrong suicide is or that they might go to hell (or something like that) may be the worst thing to say. That said, I think those teachings helped me feel the need to stay alive and all of my tricks are based on that assumed need.
2. My biggest and most important trick is actually a risky one. Note: THIS WILL NOT WORK FOR EVERYONE. But I'm still going to include it since it might help someone. When I get so far down into being suicidal I've often made plans (which is very dangerous and not usually recommended by psychologists and counselors). Despite how dangerous it was to make those plans I didn't feel I had much of a choice, however, I did have the strength to be picky. I needed to make plans to commit suicide but I wanted to do it in specific ways which gave me the opportunity to choose a plan that was easy to think about but actually hard to act on. For example, I chose to use Hemlock which was a plant I had no idea how to find in the area I lived in. I knew that that dangerous plant grew nearby so it felt like a reasonable choice and I learned what the plant looked like but it was a plant that did not grow in the city, only in the woods that I did not have travel access to get to. So my choice made me feel at ease because my pain saw a way out but my mind was stuck on how to actually find the materials required which put me in an indefinite limbo, a limbo that actually kept me alive for 2 years until I was able to get some medical attention. If you feel that you are at the end of your ropes and cannot go on without deciding on a method to kill yourself it may be possible to trick your mind into choosing a method that sounds simple enough but is actually out of reach to you. If you can do that and make the choice unalterable in your mind you might be able to trick yourself into staying alive until you can find other types of help.

Suicide is such a complex and complicated circumstance that can affect anyone at anytime. It can affect those who visibly seem sad and emotionally destroyed, it can affect the class clown who never stops smiling, it can affect the person who has everything good. No one is entirely immune to this danger. I hope with all my heart and soul that the honest talk I've put out here can help someone understand their friends or family or even themselves. If I can help save a life, or help a family member or friend heal after the suicide of their loved one I can feel like my life-long pain has been useful and justifiable.

I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Samuel