What do I want out of Life?

This is probably my most emotionally taxing question. My answer is "I have no freaking clue".

I have a lot of topics that I'm interested in but I have no idea HOW to progress with any of them. I love to write (obviously), I love music, I love horses and other animals, I love politics (well that's a love/hate relationship), I love spirituality (not the harassing and self-righteous creeds of most religions but the actual attempt to build a person's relationship with the divine), I love science of all kinds, I love history, I love mythology, I love art, I'm fascinated by business; I could go on but I think you get the picture....


Part of my problem is that I can never figure out or decide which subjects or careers I would be the happiest in while still being able to provide for myself and my family. Another part is my anxiety; which can be a post all its own. Another part is my depression: I never feel capable of succeeding, I lose the energy to try, I lose interest in choosing, my whole life becomes a blur that I can't see through. Another part is I sometimes don't want to actually choose because I actually want to do them all!

You could also say that I've wasted a lot of my energy on "fighting the good fight" involving American politics, LGBTQ issues, and LDS problems. I've spent a lot of time, emotion (tears and anger), effort and mental energy trying to combat the problems I see in the world; but all I've ever gotten for my trouble was even more heartache and grief. I've only ever wanted to try and improve people's lives and make the world a better place, but I have to realize that I've been killing myself in the process. Where's the balance between trying to improve the world around you and keeping yourself alive and sane?

So what I've gotten myself into lately is trying to decide what some of my core principles are, thinking that those tidbits might help give me some clarity. I'm not referring to small matters like "Will I drink alcohol?" or "Will I watch rated R movies?" like a lot of my fellow Mormons do whenever we've had discussions regarding principles. Instead I'm talking about deeper, more core human issues like "Does the way I live what I believe deny someone else the same right?" or "What are the lines humor should not cross?", "How do I find balance between accountability and minding my own business?", and "Why should anyone treat a unsupported opinion as equal to a researched one?" etc.

It's true that these principles are much more philosophical than they are practical in a career search but my thinking is that as I learn how to balance my own patterns of words and behavior, or growing into what social science calls "patterns of logical mindsets" I might actually have a more solid platform to decide what careers and hobbies are the most compatible with my philosophical stances. As I work through these more philosophical principles I should be able to narrow down and find other principles that I appreciate or value on a smaller more physically practical level.

And don't even get me started on the social life questions LOL.

Life is stressful for everyone, for some more than others and vice versa. But one thing I can promise is that if you fill your life with the question "Is this the right thing to do, or is it the wrong thing to do?" you will likely never find what you are looking for out of your life. The reason is that everything you do WILL be both right and wrong at the same time. Some parts of your choice will be right but there will also be things wrong with your choice. Right and Wrong still need to be considered in your decisions but they cannot be trusted to be the only questions you ever ask. I'm learning that I also need to consider other questions like "Do I have the emotional resources for this?" or "What choice will keep me the most stable?" Sometimes you have to mix Right and Wrong in order to survive this world.

So I know that this post has been incredibly random and hodgepodge but that is where my mind is at the moment. I hope you can take something away from this that can be of help. Otherwise, I'll see you on the flip side.